Why do we hurt our close friends and relatives? I think every person asks him/herself this question at least once in his/her life. So let's try to answer this question.
At first, who are all these close people in our life? I've already tried to answer this question partially in one of my previous posts (http://groupa.ucoz.co.uk/blog/friendship/2010-01-21-75). Probably, here we need some general words about those whom we call relatives. They are those who are always with us. We can share with them either happiness or grief. They sometimes understand us better than we ourselves. They are very often our reflections. It means that these people are similar to us in their thoughts, attitudes, behaviour. But they can also be our absolute oppositions. So we can discuss this very topic very long, but the theme of my today's blog differs.
When do we hurt our relatives and close friends? While being angry, upset, depressed, disappointed, etc. So being in these kinds of mood we can control ourselves at work, during studies, with strangers or some other people. Do you know why? Because we care much about their attitude to us and our behaviour, because they influence our life in this or that way, because sometimes we want them to achieve something. And, of course, we can't hurt them or even tell them anything offensive and rude, because, they don't have to understand us and our mood. They just change their opinion about us, and it's very difficult to improve our relations with them. But! We still need to express our negative emotions... And we meet our friends or come home and see our relatives. Here we can let us be ourselves. Our mentality makes us think that these close people can forgive us in every case. Sometimes we have a delusion that they even are to forgive and understand us. So, it's no use keeping our negative emotions inside. We can say some rude words, can shout, can abuse our relatives and friends. It's our uncontrolled behaviour. I must say that not all people behave in such a way. I know many people who prefer "to kill" this anger or some other emotion inside, but don't let it hurt others.
So, it's very easy to hurt you relatives and close friends. But we can cope with it. We can control our emotions. Every time you are ready to express something that will cause pain to your close people, think that they are not guilty. And if these people are really close to you, they'll feel a great pain.
I think that our friends are as important to us as our relatives. Sometimes the relatives can't understand us. But true friends are really close to us. They have similar souls. That's why they will stay by our side in any case. As for me, I can't share all my feelings with the relatives. But I have very good friends.) They have helped me for a lot of times. And there is no question of hurting or being hurt between soulmates, I think. If people are close to each other, they can solve any conflict peacfully. They just should decide what is more important to them.
Madara, I am so much intrigued by you position when you say that you can trust in all your problems to your cloase friends but not to your relatives. I suspect that it happens because of one thing: your friends are not that close, and they have never felt any responsibility and fear for you, they have never compared your worries and troubles with the years of life together as a family. If you open up to your relatives all your problems, you will definitely hear (besides words of love and support) some criticism, indignation, reprimanding or any kind of disagreement. This is exactly what you want to avoid, that's why you turn to your friend for help or advice. Years will pass before we realize, but the funny thing is that it often remains so. Maybe because there is a kind of inborn instinct that tells us how to protect our relatives from too much trouble and fear over our own misfortunes and grievances.
There is a great difference between strangers (still strangers, no doubt how close they are) and relatives. We shouldn't mix up our natural desire to communicate with peers with relationships with people who live with us, teach us and take care of us.
We all have friends but still they are not so close to us as our parents for example. To be good friends with someone and to live with him/her - this is not the same. I want to say that the people who we really hurt are in most cases our relatives. And it happens because they are always near us and we have the illusion that they will not disappear.
I think all that was written in this posting has come to our minds at least once in our life (I guess 20 years is enough to be called a 'life'). And it is not a revelation that we tend to release our anger and suppressed emotions on our family and friends. And I can't say whether it is normal or not. Ideal families and ideal friendship do not exist, and we always have to find a compromise. Quarrels are simply inevitable. The thing we can do is to think about the 'reward' we give to our relatives for being patient to us.
"Probably, here we need some general words about those whom we call relatives. They are those who are always with us. We can share with them either happiness or grief. They sometimes understand us better than we ourselves. They are very often our reflections. It means that these people are similar to us in their thoughts, attitudes, behaviour." These are not relatives, these are friends!!!!!!!!! By the way, very-VERY often do our relatives differ from us greatly. We can't chose our relatives (just a wife or a husband). This means that we are very lucky if our relatives are really close to us, not formally, but really.
I think that it is a real problem. It is a usual situation when a husband having returned home is in a bad mood, he is displeased with the dinner, cavils at every word of his wife, initiates a quarrel, then he shouts at the poor wife, offends her feelings, even humiliates. And the wife bears it, because she understands that there are some problems with something, she even asks the children not to disturb “Our Father” she knows, that in an hour everything will be all right. He will come up to her, embrace and apologize for his behavior. But it is not normal!
